False Advertising

I’ve always known there were things out there that were too good to be true. For a while in my early 20’s my middle name could have been “as seen on TV”. I’m guilty of buying the miracle blade knife set, the slap chopper, and the fold flat strainer, but at least these things cut, chopped and strained. They did the bare minimum required by their name.

It wasn’t until I entered this journey of parenthood that I realized just how easy it is to find false advertising. Companies depend on the fact that you are sleep deprived or desperate for a solution to your current situation.
So, I’m able to forgive the people who make the stretch mark cream (worth a try). I can overlook the people who invented the wipe warmer (Jack’s bum is equally happy with room temperature wipes). I can even excuse the creators of the baby mop (Yes it’s real; you attach it to your baby while they crawl around.) These are all valiant efforts and things we all know probably are too dumb to work anyway.

The people I can’t pardon however, are the companies out there calling their toddler cups leak proof. I have tried hundreds (11, maybe 12) toddler cups that all claim to be 100% leak proof, but unless that is 100% out of 200% then they are liars! I have spent upwards of $19 on one cup. These cups couldn’t leak more if they had holes drilled in them and were being rattled by the paint shaker thing at Home Depot.

I can just image a bunch of guys sitting in a conference room saying “Think of how many more cups we can sell if we write leak proof on it” and another childless jerk chimes in with. “Better put 100% on there too, people eat that up!” They are probably getting a kick back from Stanley Steamer who needs to come to everyone’s house and get the juice stains out of their carpet and the sour milk smell off their couch. Jack would have less milk on him if he tried to get it directly from the cow.

Is there not some fact check oversight spill committee out there testing these cups? This is like me inventing a bra that returns your chest to pre-baby form, even when you aren’t wearing it. It makes you five pounds lighter, two inches taller (or shorter if you prefer) and keeps your hair from getting frizzy even in the rain. For three easy payments of $19.99 you too can have something that makes absolutely no sense.