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Sunday, August 7, 2011

Work Place Injuries

The job of mom is an important one. I take my responsibilities very seriously (though it may be hard to tell sometimes since I am normally laughing at myself) Today I want to help to warn other new or soon to be moms of the physical hazards of being a mom. Considering you are the opposite of a "union member" and you get no days off or sick time it helps to be cautious. This way you can work to avoid these injuries (now called boo-boo's since I am bi-lingual in baby talk)

Common injuries to Mommy

1. Under arm abrasion

Cause: Your child becomes tall enough to reach the drawers in your bathroom vanity. He pulls out your deodorant and smashes it on the tile floor 23 times. The following day, destracted by his rummaging through other bathroom drawers you thoughtlessly attempt to put your deodorant on. The entire stick is stuck in the cap and you scrape the empty plastic rim firmly across your unsuspecting pit. (repeat this three more days until you remember to throw it out)

2. Toy to foot injury

Cause: Your house, which you swore never would, has turned into a Toy's r us commercial. Unless you suddenly sprout wings and can fly from room to room your foot will encounter the sharp edge of a toy. Don't worry though, since you haven't been for a pedicure in months your feet are so rough you barely felt it.

3. Rocking chair ass

Cause: Hours of rocking a non sleeping baby resulting in your ass to get tingly and numb. Don't panic however, it may feel like your ass is gone but trust me it's still there, stretch marks and all. Also watch for a neck cramp, dead arms, and clinical insanity. To alleviate this I made up song lyrics to the squeak in my chair. It got me through those long nights!

4. Bruised knuckles

Cause: publicly beating the many strangers who cough and sneeze and then attempt to touch your baby for no reason at all. A circle of other mothers will surround you chanting "fight, fight, fight! " Then when you win they will hoist you onto their shoulders and you will have a celebratory flash mob dance that you have all been working on.

Let's not leave out injuries to your spouse (not including the beatings they receive for fat jokes while you are pregnant) They are at risk to suffer from cuts and scrapes resulting from your unshaved legs, unclipped toe nails, and your attempts to gouge their eyes out while they snore through your child's 12pm feeding.

**You may notice I have left out the actual pain like labor, raw nipples, stitches etc. But surprisingly there is nothing funny about those things. I know I wasn't laughing.

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