Mommy Resume

Danielle Stewart
Charlotte NC
Mom of 18 month old

Objective: To grow a functioning little human, equipped with manors, wisdom, and empathy while maintaing my sanity.

Skills

Multitasking:

1 Can currently clean a puddle of juice off the floor while keeping toddler away with one leg
2 Able to lift 30 grocery bags, one child, a diaper bag and unlock the front door (still working on closing the back of the suv at the same time)
3 Can change diaper of squirming toddler on a public changing table while begging people not to turn on the very loud air hand dryer right next to his head. Occasionally ignored.


Efficiency:

1 Able to cook four dinners in 30 minutes until one is finally eaten rather then spit out.
2 Can pay six bills and send three overdue email responses in one afternoon nap. (at least 50% will be done accurately)
3 Have created a streamlined process that has reduced the time it takes me to get ready from 30 minutes to 3 minutes (appearance has suffered greatly)

Patience :

1 Can wait out up to an 8 minute tantrum before loosing my mind
2 Able to repeat the same task hundreds of times without variation (27 climbs up the playground stairs and back down)
3 Have not killed or attempted to kill anyone who slows me down at the supermarket in over six months. (guess I'm due)

Training:

18 months of sleep depervation classes (ideal candidate for third shift)
8 months of whining translation (fluent in squeals and shreiks)
3 months of intense "no" seminars with an almost 24hr use of the word.
At home haircut class resulting in investment in toddler hats.
On the job training regarding the ability to fish hook inedible objects out of child's mouth. (includes dust bunnies, leaves, and various thing from under the couch.)
Conflict resolution expert - have defused hundreds of cat vs baby arguments


Desired position: I'm living it!